The Search !

The fleeting moments where you crave that little feeling, that feeling that you want to last forever. It hounds you constantly to get more of it. You try all day and hope that every morning you get it again when you open your eyes. But it doesn't come, not how you want it to come. It's a feeling that you really are addicted to. You're told to go in search of it constantly, to no avail. We see the people going for it all the time in various different ways.

They push for it all the time, the thing. The feeling, only to be dissapointed constantly, like they've failed. Yet on a TV you can get a snippet, or a shopping mall, or a social media site or what ever really. But, you always fail. There's pressure to get this feeling and if you fail, well....you are a failure, but don't worry, you will be reminded that you can do it again. You will also be reminded that you must strive for it in any way you can, because if you don't you will be left out.......of failing, only to join the merry go round yet again.

We see it everywhere. The quest, the search. They think that by being invited to something that's exclusive that it will give it to them. They think that the launch of something new will give it to them. What's hilarious is that they think that because it hasn't arrived yet they can get pissed off. I find it hilarious that not getting something that you never actually had can cause so much discontent. It's like losing money on a house. Apparently if you sell your house you can get this feeling too. But not if you can't get thousands of dollars more than what you paid. That's apparently called loosing money. Now, really, if you never had that money how can you lose it ? This is a rather large contributor to not getting that feeling.

I've actually seen people do this. But if it goes the other way, well.....that feeling comes, apparently. But for how long I wonder ?

So......do we crave this thing ? And if so why is it so sought after ? I mean everything wears off eventually right. It has to doesn't it ?

Lets look at 2 things, things that are kind of neutral. They don't really get put into a category, they kind of have their own identities, yet they are overlooked so much. 

Black & White !!

We want this kind of "White" thing, but really don't want this "Black" thing. You could also call them Sunrise and Sunset. Or, High tide and Low tide. Or, In and Out. Or, Open and Closed. The list goes on and on and on.....So if we like the Sunset only, what happens ? But what if we like the Closed ? Or the High Tide ? What then ???? Does that mean that we only have these things but not their opposites ?

Well guess what, "NO WAY" you can not avoid the opposite at all.

So why is it that we go full steam ahead in the pursuit of one feeling only ? We know the universe can not and will not give us "ONE" of these things only, and yet I see so many going after that one feeling and ignoring the opposite. It really makes me laugh ! If you don't embrace both you really can't have either can you....

Until you realise that "NOTHING" will give you this feeling without the other you will constantly be looking for it externally, and trust me, it doesn't come from anything external at all. In fact it doesn't come at all until you turn around and face your own opposite head on and thoroughly feel that.

3.1 Months !

As you can gather, I'm not done here yet. Today is a windy and cold yet the sun is beaming, beaming a few ray's on me as I type, smoke and ingest tea. 

I think images invoke major emotions within us, hence my migration back to Tumblr. The people I follow there are not ashamed to show themselves and their feelings very freely. They all post wonderful loving things and also things to help you awaken faster. They help each other, they love each other and they don't really argue or judge someone they don't know from a bar of soap. I find this extremely attractive. It seems to be a place where you can go for a little salvation. They don't speak in comments, they just send Vibes that resonate with me in particular. I love that.

Images like the one above. It's completely stunning ! And for me the colours and beams of sunlight are very soothing. And then we have the mermaid, the beauty associated with a mermaid we all know about. Why is it that we "think" that life has to be this fucking thing that is finite ? I'm not afraid of going, in fact what I see here constantly reminds me, that these so called lessons and things I agreed to learn when I came in are almost done. What I see and feel here, the vibration of it all, really begs the question.....who will be around to see consciousness in a new state ? When the old paradigm fucks off and the new begins. We are in transition now, and transition kind of sux, any transition from the corruption we see now and the oozing out of this most unfair and disgusting way of being into "all" being one. I fucking can't wait for this !! The complete role reversal of the assholes at the top of the pyramid, being at the bottom, and the "people" being at the top. Can you imagine the weirdness of having a "bankster" asking you how to light a fire, or how do you get this solar panel thing to power my light bulb !! I can !! 

This is the thing. This spiral......to me, represents how it's all going at the moment. For me it is a spiral upwards. An upwards motion, that if you feel properly, and don't deny your ability, to be a being that has, emotion and an internal and external guidance system. This spiral you will magnetized to. Or.... it's quite obvious, you are so entrenched in the old paradigm, you will go in the downwards motion in this spiral... Never to be seen again. That's what I'm looking forward to seeing. These downward dwellers, we all know who they are, will be sucked down this vortex like emptying the bath. The best thing at the moment is that all of this is happening rather quickly and the momentum is gaining pace incredibly fast ! And I'm loving that !!

Look at these colours (above)......What do they do to you ? For me at the moment, these sorts of greens and purples are so fucking intense. They give me some sort of content feeling, a feeling that it's all ok. Maybe it has something to do with the below picture ? I think so !!!

"eleutheromania" "Mania" being the optimum word here !! Freedom, where does this come from ? For me, it's saying fuck you, I'm out of this particularly dense vibration. This happens a lot for me. I'm sorry but when it get's like this, I have to go again. I'm not running from things, not at all. Because when I go, I've been putting myself through the crap to a point that the lessons are fully downloaded to my internal flash drive. And fuck me, can that flash drive hold some GB ! So many in fact, that it takes the first 6 months at that new space to de-encrypt and process all of it. Sometimes longer. What shits me is people saying you're running away !! Quite the contrary. When you are in the classroom you load the lessons, it's not till you leave, that you ingest it and plow through it all...........Running away !!! Fuck off !!!

Yep, thank you people. Those who don't listen are those who will be asking soon, and wondering why they never listened ! So funny.....................

Normal........................You Can Have It !!!!!!!!!

so.....3.1 Months, what has been discovered ? For me......... "Only do what feels right"

3 Months !

3 Months has accumulated since that day. The day that started with adrenalin, and excitement, and relief, and the thoughts of "Thank fuck that's over" but now.............those feelings have gone and I'm left bereft. 

Yet in 3 Months what has happened ? Well on days like this one I ask myself this question. It feels like nothing, nothing at all except losing the fantasy. The fantasy that was, "This is It".....finally we can settle and be a team and individuals at the same time. I was so full of optimism. I'd worked my ass off doing what I dislike for 3 Months (how bizarre, didn't see that coming) and was ready, ready as I'll ever be for this commitment. A commitment to her.

Fantasy is rather funny isn't it ! Fantasy takes us to new possibilities, love, inner love, and places that are lovely. I think fantasy is magnificent, sometimes it fully manifests, sometimes it doesn't. I guess today I'm in what I call a "VOID" moment, they suck, they hurt, you question fucking all ! So that's why I'm typing, for me, no one else, just a record of a shit vibration that has overcome me today. 

I have events coming up shortly that quite frankly couldn't give a shit about. All I wish at the moment is to be in a place where I can delve deeper into my own crap safely. Some have said to me that it doesn't matter where you are, but "I" need the proper energy and vibration to be able to truly bury myself in my shit and let it pierce every fiber of me. It's got to be a place where I feel safe. This current location is not that space !

I have selected places on this planet that allow me to heal, they're on meridians and grids, and here is not one of them. I don't know what is holding me here right now, I have a car, I have my swag with a quilt, a pillow and blankets, paint and brushes to earn money so I can be part of the illusion etc etc. What am I doing still here ? I have the freedom to go anywhere yet I stay, mostly to please others and yes "my own fear". I know all about this "others" crap, it's been the bane of my existence for many years. Conforming ! We all do it !!! 

So what am I scared of ? I think the "learn" (yes the programming) that has been forced on me over the last 42 years is what gives us fear. Oh no, money, job, consume, tax, how will you eat, blah blah blah. This is what creates the fear ! I've just racked off before, many times, it's fucking amazing to travel not knowing where you are going.....The Best, it's when I'm at my best !!!! Even my fucken psychologist tells me to stop running away from problems. He see's my issues as problems, not me. When somethings vibration, be it mine or where I am no longer matches mine,
I go !!! 

What the hell is the point of hanging around a situation (ONCE THE LESSONS HAVE BEEN DOWNLOADED) for me to process in a "Void" moment

I've just spent a week doing tax, that had been neglected for a few years. It was nice to get it all done and re acquaint with my accountant. But at the end of it all, I was so pissed, pissed because I had given these people so much fucking information about myself like a fucking sheep. When will the system change ? Will it be in my lifetime ?

3 Months !

Where will I be in 3 Months ? Maybe here .........

I love 3's !

Light and Dark to all Beings ......... Peace.

Anger

What's that ?????? You're going out of your brain ??????

Let's hide away !!

People always do this. They put up their shields, they back away, they hide their feelings. Why do we do this ?? Well it's how we've been programmed ! Hide yourself away, "don't cry" it's weakness, it's fucked ! I'm not talking about hiding yourself away from society, I'm talking about your emotions and your feelings. Hiding away from society is extremely good !! I know, I do it regularly, very regularly. And do you know why ? Because of all those people who hold in their emotion, feelings, and thoughts that run around the streets with a vibration that "I" can not and will never handle ! We all know these peeps, they're a complete nightmare !

When will we all learn that "wanting" never gets you to happiness ??? What we are actually doing is pulling ourselves completely away from ourselves ! You have to go within ! 

What Did You Learn ?

"What did I learn ?"

Well.......A shit load actually. Although when you sit down to right about it it all goes blank ! 

I think I learned how strong I am. How, by being a nice person throughout the whole ordeal pays off. How being kind during the whole thing, to the best of your ability, under the circumstances, that it pays off. How not putting any pressure on the other is a good thing. How an ending is just a new beginning, with the close of that door, another opens wide. How time is an opportunity to put the pieces back together bit by bit. But fuck it hurts !! And christ you go through some emotions......actually all of them, to the enth degree !!!! 

Putting those shattered bits of glass back together is really fucken excruciating. You see the heart is more brittle than a plate glass window and yet, can be as strong as an ox all at the same time. How can this be ? Imagine trying to put your windscreen back together after it smashed ! Well, times that by 100, that's how difficult it is to heal your heart. Loss !! Loss is hard too. Loss causes all sorts of pain within your entire body. We tend to overlook the loss a bit when the heart is in a million pieces.

So what do we learn from all of this pain ? We learn to become better ! "It's all about better" an ex girlfriend of mine taught me that. When I say better I mean, If you go about things and look within and allow yourself to feel, and melt into all of your pain, and stop resisting your past, face it and surrender, and allow it to consume you, this is the way. Let me just add -- "that not many, at all are ready for this !!" Going deep within and allowing your pain to engulf you from all angles, you will start to see that things become better, in time... 

People say "Let It Go"........I fucken loathe this phrase !!!

Until you deal with all of your shit, and I mean sift through it with a fine tooth comb, you can not let it go ! You must deal with this stuff. If you don't you will always take it to the next destination and the side effects of this will be disastrous... Unresolved stuff continues to emerge as side effects in other brutal forms. Usually upon those closest to us. You see it everywhere, everyday, all the time. People pretending to be fine and dandy and yet their behavior, to me is unbelievable ! I see this in people, it's so obvious, the pain, the discontent, the coldness, the hardness, the fear. It's all there, and I can see you all...

Why do we all think that it's "all good" (All Good - another shit phrase) if you "Let It Go" ????? You have dealt with nothing !! Nothing at all, except complete denial.  All you've done is add to the bullshit heap of unattended shit that needs to be worked on, in depth, and thoroughly ! All this shit builds up to the point of either explosion or implosion, it really matters little which way in the end. Pain can be dissipated through hard work (on yourself), which starts firstly by acknowledging you have it ! Once you feel it, and make the decision to work with it, and bury yourself in it, to the point of no resistance, this is when things start to get better in tiny increments and only then. 

We don't have to live as controlled stale sheep. Discover who you truly are by burying yourself in all this shit and trust me, coming out the other side.................you will realise that facing pain does not hurt you !!!!

What stage are you at..........?

hi...........

The Blogger icon winked at me and told me to put something down, so here goes !

Surrender comes in stages as we do not just let all of it go at once.  I let go a little at a time during each period of shifts I experienced during different stages of my emotional recovery and spiritual growth.  This is why it takes so long for emotional recovery as it occurs in stages.  With each stage, it becomes easier and easier to let go until one day we no longer feel the pain of our past and finally heal our wounds.

Well.........these words are quite profound !

It's very interesting how many people never take the time to properly get over / heal from past pain. You know, most of us will take a cold and flu tablet to "keep going" or soldier fucken on ! These products are advertised this way, because if you don't go on you're seen as weak, you have to keep up appearances, you must keep going because society hates "QUITTERS" What the fuck is that shit ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????//?//

To truly heal and get through the bullshit that is society ways, you literally have to hide away. You have to disappear and work like fuck on yourself to get through an emotional crisis. It's not acceptable to be emotional in society today. Why do we have "DIS -EASE" ?? It's from holding in your EMOTION !!!! Have you ever heard the term "A grown man doesn't carry on like that"

??????????

I HAVE !!!!! F U C K T H A T !!!!! Don't ever tell a grown man that he is basically behaving like a child when he is being vulnerable and expressing his emotions. This happens, and comes out of the mouth of people who are so fucked up they can not and probably never will express their own emotions. I have seen this first hand. They can't communicate, they fear their past so much that all the think about is "now"........"Now" does not arrive without "where you have been" !!!!

Have you ever been called a quitter ????? (BTW there's a shit load of anger as I'm typing this because this is very familiar to me)

Well..................Have you ????? How did it feel ????

You see when I find a nice bit of factual text like in the 1st paragraph I start to write, but by god can it take me into some strange places and emotions that need to be dealt with ! This is why I write this shit........you have to get it out.....fuck this new thing of "The Power Of Now" sure I acknowledge the Now but I have to look at what came before. I believe if you don't you are completely bullshitting yourself.......It's all about getting it moving, feeling the pain, working through it and sometimes doing it all over again "in stages" and then finally releasing it. This shit doesn't happen overnight, you have to allow it to come up all in good time, and that means it can happen anywhere and at anytime. But today we are told to just soldier on !!!!!

Truly..... I hate that crap !! this is why we are so fucked up.....we never stop, silence is like death for so many. I must do the dishes, I must do the washing, Oh look there's some dust on the bench, it just goes on and on and on and on !! Wake Up !!You can not solve your problems by ignoring the base problem that is..............."It's buried just below the surface" I've met lots of humans in my life, they range from hippies to suits, men and women. What I can't understand is when these organisms project and use transference onto people they apparently love. This can come in many forms, you know them, just stop and think about it for a minute. These types never surrender, and never allow themselves to actually help themselves by allowing this stuff (mostly pain) come to the surface. you do not treat people how you would never treat yourself. But hang on...........

This is exactly how these people treat themselves, by being non loving !!!

As is said in the 1st paragraph it works in stages, stages that are usually very unpleasant.......these things are called emotions.....yep those things that "Quitters and Grown men" are not allowed to show these days because if you do..................................................

YOU ARE WEAK ! 

I disagree totally, he who embraces his emotions and his past are the STRONGEST OF ALL !

So take 1 brick out of that wall of shame, blame, pain, whatever it maybe or contain and let it crumble, you never know what you may find in this first stage..............

I'm off now, and till next time remember, we have 5 senses, sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch but EMOTIONS ARE THE NEW SENSE, so we now have 1 more and in my opinion.....................this Sense is by far the most important !!

Deal with your shit.

So......

Sometimes a day can really be a drag. You can often be in a place where you don't particularly want to be. Why do we go through this shit ?? Why do some days become the harder of the rest of the week ?? I'm not talking about Monday's, they're not so bad. It's those days where you are completely over everything and everyone. you don't want to communicate with anyone, let alone see anyone !! For some, while in these bits of universal confusion they just get on the booze or hide out, or just get fucking angry to mask the pain......

Emptiness comes in at this time, and you wonder to yourself "What the fuck am I doing here?" Well this is the time to work through all your bullshit !! Not many I know can actually recognise, at this time, that it is "The Perfect Time" to deal with your own shit once and for all. But remember that you will never get this shit done........EVER! All you can do is manage it. It's like mowing fucken lawn....it's never over, it will keep growing and growing ! And this shit comes up over and over again. So in saying that, don't ever expect to get it all done, you never will.....

So now you know that little piece of nightmare news don't despair...

Just "Deal With It" work through all the bullshit that comes up. This is best done in silence !! But can "you" actually handle silence ??

I find silence awsum !! So much of my shit comes to the surface and I can mow that shit lawn and trim the edges until the next time....It's not easy, but if you allow this crap to come to the surface, and learn how to work through it, you get better at it every time.

And you know what ??????????

Once you've allowed this to occur..........you may actually crave these times more, and that's when you really start to understand yourself......

Open Communication

Yep !!

Sometimes in life you can take a battering. A beating, rejection, the pushing away, from those we thought loved us. Stuff like this takes time to heal. We spend hours analyzing what went wrong ? Was it all me who fucked up ? Was it all them, or a combination of the 2 ? Well, i think its always a combination of the 2 ! We generally blame the other more than we blame our self.....That's natural ! but at the end of the day it comes down to 2 people contributing or the lack of contributing ! This lack of contributing comes in the form of "non communication" Even typing that 'non' for me sucked !!!

Communication - The successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings:

'there was a lack of communication between Pamela and her parents'

 Indeed good communication skills can help successful endeavors while poor communication can stifle and hamper progress

This is taken from the online Oxford Dictionary - http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/communication?q=communication+between#communication__8

So........."The successful conveying or sharing of ideas (and for me) "feelings"

Feelings are the new sense. This sense has been over looked for such a long time ! Why do we overlook how others feel ? To be honest with you I have no idea ! If you look at people, they all have feelings, we are apparently among the very few beings on this planet that have this sense. And yet it is brushed under the carpet in such a big way. As I mentioned earlier, rejection, pushing away etc, they all effect how we "feel", so why do people do these things ? Is it because the person doing this has their own feelings going on that scare them, and that they have trouble dealing with, therefore want it over as soon as possible ?

In open communication, in my experience, these things/feelings can be worked through quite easily. All it takes is communication and honesty. How many of you have had situations where you don't want to do something and you fight it off only to surrender later and it's never that bad ? ........ Well I've done/had that. Yeh sure it's heavy at the start but generally it becomes quite a relief to have started the ball rolling. So all this shit that we put each other through is totally unnecessary !! For me "lack" of communication, especially with a loved one is totally absurd. If you talk to others with an open heart rather than bullshit them and yourself with some idiotic mask life becomes far better. Recently a non communicator was in my life, its so hard to open them up sometimes (actually all the time). In this case I truly did not understand it "at all" I'd never come up against such a closed book.

What ensued was the things I mentioned earlier, and when you are in the middle of all those self esteem crushing vibes you ask questions. But in this case I got no answers, just action ! That's not how you address these things............You must communicate !  

Head ! VS Feel !

Yep...................

Sometimes in life we see things that completely shock us about human behavior. Passive aggressive stuff, projection, pain, anger. 

Sometimes what really shocks me is when peeps are in the wrong and they try to turn it around onto you ! Its called transference. 

I've done a fair amount of work on myself over the years, more than any other I know actually. 

And with that comes a great gift. "Perception" the ability to see things how they are within another. So from the shake of a hand you will know if you will be conversing with this person at the party for more than 5 minutes or not. Let alone ever again.... Have you found this before ? You know, you rock up to the party, you meet some new peeps, yet some of them seem a little odd. Not odd in the sense of strange, but odd in the vibration they give off. And for the life of you, you can't quite work out "what's with this dude"?? why am I feeling a sense of unease ?? But......your programming (that started at birth) probably said to you "Nah, he's ok, it must be fucken me". Well no..............! If you get this type of feeling, remember the word "FEELING"...that is the correct indicator, not whats going on in your head ! 

Whats going on in your head is distracting you from whats going on in your chest ! The real and proper gauge of what the fux actually going on.... You've got to feel whats happening in these situations. You can't "think" whats going on in these situations, the brain is corrupted by years of programming and fluoride and crap like that. Its full of "Matrix". You can't make rational decisions about the vibration of someone with your head ! It's a VIBE that you're getting, a vibration. How can you really work it out if you don't use something that measures vibration ?????? "YOUR FEELINGS" !!!!! Hello !!!!!

No one is ever taught these skills. Trust me, having these skills helps you immeasurably in life. We need to hone these skills so that when we get that vibe we can identify the scale of vampire, some people call them reptilians ! But holy shit that's a whole new post to deal with those fuckers.

Hey peeps, don't be frightened of this stuff. All you have to remember is "FEEL" instead of think, that's it ! And when you do feel...........you will be amazed at the beauty and wonder and love that comes into your life.......

That'll do for me tonight

Peace and Good Vibes

No title explains this shit !!

Well, well !!

I'm so tired ! So tired.....

I've really been through so much shit in the last few months. Hang on, the last fucken year actually ! Working for 3 months straight you go into a disproportionate deluded slumber where you can't feel, make decisions, (correct decisions anyway) comprehend things properly, understand why you've done certain things etc etc. We find ourselves in certain situations that quite frankly dumbfound us. We realise, that half way through a decision made, it was the wrong one !

Why is is that we don't see this at the start ?

What is the lesson we are about to be taught ?

How is another persons pain going to actually be projected onto us ?

Yep !! that's right, other peoples projected pain. It goes a long way to actually destroy a person who is willing to be "Vulnerable"

Are you willing to be vulnerable ? I am ! Vulnerability "makes" you get naked and really real ! you have no choice. 

So.....how does one actually be vulnerable ? For me, I put it all on the line, I am willing to talk to you, communicate about all your fears. I want to know it all, all of the good stuff and especially all of the bad ! The past makes us who we are today. If you avoid talking about the past, how can you possibly be in the present ? Its what got you to now in the first place. I'm so sick and tired of meeting people who are projecting off and out to the world their pain and discomfort in the form of side effects. Such as anger, no communication at all, coldness, insecurity etc etc bloody etc. These are all side effects of pain from the past ! We see it all the fucken time. road rage, couples denying each other of lovemaking, pushing partners away, closing down when someone wants to communicate about the things that are concerning them within a relationship.........The fucken list could go on and on..........

If you don't know about your partners past how can you love them wholeheartedly ? You can try ! But let me tell you, you will only go a certain distance down the path next to each other. The longer the communication is suspended, the harder it becomes to solve small problems within the relationship at all. We all know how good it is at first. We see "all" the things we have in common and its awsum, then as it goes on we then find "all" the things we don't have in common. And what a shock that starts to become !!! By this stage communication becomes absolute key in working through these problems together. But what the hell do you do if communication has fizzled to something that is shorter than a grocery shopping list ? To be honest I really don't know ! I'm still trying to figure it out right now from a recent experience. What I did was to keep trying, but when nothing is coming back.......you have to be vulnerable, you have to ask questions and confront the situation head on. Then what happens is 1 of 2 things !

1 The other person is willing to get involved and contribute to make it better. 

2 Or, they have no intention or desire to work at the entire connection.

With number 1, you move to talk and work through things like adults and be vulnerable, together, and get through it.

With number 2, "You move the fuck on"

So...........now, I'm going to bed. Expect me to be more active with this blog again now, because as you can probably gather............I've just been through number 2 and it sux bad ! Total rejection over an 8 month period.

Yep, I'm working through it, but when you're vulnerable and you open your heart.........sometimes those little knife cuts start getting to you before you know it and then when you realise.... Its gone to far !

Peace

     

Another Surf !!
Day 1 of 1 of 14

How funny, drove to the bush carpark again today at 6.00am.....Not one car !! Not one person !! It's high tide, or coming up to it again and no one is out. "Old Year Has Gone Day" Yep, they're all hungover. So, I walked down the sandy leaf littered path over the old timber bridge through the paper barks, bloody hell I love that smell. It takes me back to my childhood when I would get up early for these surfs at the park, which is located about a kilometre up the beach to the north. The smell of paper bark trees is incredible and always makes me feel good ! 

So I'm walking down the path, I didn't even bother to check it out. I pop out of the dunes and there is still no one......Hang on, a few more steps, there's a woman walking her dogs. I look at the waves, it's glassy and a slight off shore breeze..............Woohoo ! I threw my leg rope on, not that it was needed, but its the second day and I don't feel like swimming in to get my board. Anyway it was awsum !

Going again tomorrow !